Mindburst Hickocks

I want all of the internets.

2011-11-29T20:56:00.000-06:00

So I am sitting in my friend's condo, and she has a secured wireless connection, but there are also a few unsecured networks in nearby units. A different friend is emailing me gigabytes of video files, and it's taking figuratively forever to download it all. Someone should pioneer a software system with which I can connect my computer to multiple wifi networks simultaneously. If there's a restriction on the hardware, that is a problem. Although, you could still probably build a little usb duder that would make it happen.

Full discretion - I am not checking to see if this already is a thing because I lied and ma not really in a condo. I am typing on my phone in the metro. But I did just leave my friend's condo.

BEST IDEA.

2011-11-28T21:53:00.000-06:00

Let's start a business where people send us their dead pets and we turn their skin/fur into shoes.

Potentially un-PC terms I learned from my otherwise very sensitive mother.

2011-11-27T20:16:00.000-06:00

Whore's Bath - washing down just your smelly bits instead of getting a full wash.
Old Maids - the unpopped kernals left over after making popcorn.

Electro-hinge, inc.

2011-11-20T19:48:00.002-06:00

If you mounted little generators in the hinges of the doors of busy retail spaces (or libraries or anything) could you get enough power to make it worthwhile?

Band names.

2011-11-09T03:19:00.002-06:00

I just found a bunch of band names (two with album names attached) I pitched to some folks I was writing music with in February of 2009:

Scam Artists (Scartists)
Dr. Thankenstein
Count Thankula
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Thanks
Swamp Thank
Thankzilla
Tyrannosaurus Thanks
Thanks-a-Mouse
Franksgiving
the Batman Suicides - Lost in TransBatman
Batman Antoinette - Bed, Bath, and Batman
There Will Be Batman
The Batman Prophecies
the Truth About Cats and Batman
Grosse Point Batman
Tricerathanks
I Might Be a Trucker

Plans for the most appealing least functionally appropriate instrument.

2011-11-08T18:56:00.001-06:00

Get a turntable, slightly broken or fully functional, whatever your price range. Swap out the motor with a stepper motor. Press a record with concentric circles instead of a spiral, and put different quality tones in each circle, but all just playing a440 at 33rpm. A sine track, a square track, maybe a stretched out dog bark track, whatever. Then you can, using arduino (or a basic stamp or whatever you prefer) create an input that will convert midi-inputted notes into the correct speed ratio to spin the turntable and produce any pitch you want. Like an optigan or a mellotron, but way cheaper (except the pressing vinyl part).

Alternately, for the lazy/adventurous, just put a variable resistor in place of the speed switch on the original motor. It could be a pot, or a capacitance thing (like a theremin), or some kind of string (like an ondes martenot). Whatever. That way you could get all portamento-y and wobbly and inconsistent.

This is all totally clear in my brain. If it doesn't make any sense out of my brain let me know. I'd hate to be confusing anyone.

ALSO, really the plan here is to just produce a bunch of copies of that piece of vinyl, and sell them along with maybe some plans on how folks can make the instrument themselves, and people will all go nuts with it.

Let's make MMA but for musicians.

2011-11-08T18:42:00.000-06:00

They can battle like a DJ battle, but they can do any kind or combination of kinds of musics they want.

"Step into the optigan!"

Rejected Halloween Costumes.

2011-11-01T13:17:00.000-05:00

Walrus vampire (the biggest teeth).
Spraypaint can with actual spraypaint in the nozzle.
Trojan horse (horsey face, and a velcro rip-open belly full of toy soldiers also cloth intestines).

For the business-minded.

2011-10-26T11:03:00.002-05:00

Cyberdinette: kitchen furnishings for and inspired by killer robots from the future.

Musical artists who ain't afraid of no ghost (potentially incomplete).

2011-10-22T18:03:00.000-05:00

Ray Parker, Jr.
Run-DMC
Doug E. Fresh
Kidz Bop
Alvin and the Chipmunks

I don't get twitter.

2011-10-22T02:41:00.012-05:00

I tried to start a thing on twitter, because there are things that rush around on there. So I tried to make one. But I know like four people, and I tweet maybe once a month, so nobody reads anything I say. But I liked this. So I am moving it here, where still nobody will read it, but I will feel better about it. Here we go.

Double sequels:
Fear and Loathing in Little China
the Nutty Professional
Butch Cassidy and the Giant Peach
Field of Nightmares (on Elm Street)
Back to the Fargo
Mrs. Doubtfire and the Rats of NIMH
the Empire Strikes Beethoven
301 Dalmations
Joe Dirty Dancing

Bonus triple sequel:
the Truth About Aristocats and Reservoir Dogs

Pick any two.

2011-10-14T02:41:00.001-05:00

Improve yourself physically.
Improve yourself mentally.
Improve yourself socially.
Maintain your lifestyle.
Make money.
Make art.
Sleep.

For all you fashion designers.

2011-07-29T23:41:00.000-05:00

Let's convince a major upscale brand retailer to set up a whole lot of empty cases and mannequins in a section of the store. We can call it "the Emperor's New Collection" and tell everyone they can only see the things they're rich enough to buy.

But what should I call my blog where I geek out about office supplies?

2011-07-25T17:39:00.002-05:00

Three Rings to Bind them All.

You're welcome.

For if/when you get married.

2011-07-15T12:11:00.004-05:00

At the reception give every person a pair of nice dress socks tucked into a coffee mug that says, "I socked 'im twice and then I mugged 'im."

It is funny first for the obvious dumb joke, and then a day or two later when they realize you gave them a favor entirely disconnected from the event, and then a third time when they realize that without the socks, the mug doesn't even make any sense.

Also you could use that for most other events.

Sorry about the uncharacteristically low idea-to-word ratio.

2011-06-23T02:29:00.002-05:00

My laptop is hobbling. I mean, if it were a person. As a thing it's not hobbling at all. It's just not in good condition anymore. One USB port doesn't work, the battery doesn't hold a charge, the cd drive is intermittent at best (it hasn't burned a disc in years), and the screen is dead. It's hobbling.

I would like to be functional again. The minimum for that is a new screen, and I am looking at old macbook pros like mine but with fried brains for around 200 dollars, and thinking maybe I can steal their faces and be working. Maybe I can even steal their cd drives. But looking at them on ebay makes me also look at functional laptops which makes me also look at refurbished laptops on apple's website, which makes me want to spend 2000 dollars instead which is so many more dollars than I have (200 is also more dollars than I have for spending, but it seems necessary).

Here, though, is the super-great idea I just had for MAKING the best laptop EVER. If I had a little bit more time I would do this right now. In fact, maybe this will be my next computer regardless. And this is not about a hackintosh. Though I have considered that route. And also not about a PC, because it is necessary for my lifestyle that I be running around with final cut pro at my fingertips AT ALL TIMES.

HERE IT GOES:

First, get a refurb mac mini from apple. It's about a grand. Or, actually, I just looked and new ones start around 700 dollars (the care plan is only 150 dollars more, 200 less than for a macbook pro).

Great. Now get a cheap lcd monitor. I found a 19" one with the same resolution of my now-dead laptop screen for under $100. But you maybe want a slightly smaller one for weight purposes. There are a lot of options.

The mac mini does not come with a keyboard or mouse (that would ruin how incredibly tiny it is), so get any usb keyboard and either a mouse or if you want to be fancy, apple sells badass trackpads.

Now you run to goodwill and pick yourself up a smallish but stylish briefcase (I think you see where I am going with this) and INSTALL.

"But..." you are about to exclaim (I am just ahead of you, you see), "what about POWERS?" Oh, I'm on it.

First, a small power strip can be had for cheap. That's all you need if you are okay with being 110-bound (you would be surprised how few places you can drag a laptop don't have power to plug into), but don't limit yourself. A cheap inverter can be obtained for under twenty dollars, which will convert 12vdc into 110ac. That inverter can be pretty easily wired onto a li-on battery pack, and you can get that guy for about sixty dollars in a kit with a recharger.

POOF.

You now have more power and more free space and more speed and more USB ports than any macbook. For much cheaper. And customizibility. You can put a disc-burner in that briefcase. You can put in a little usb-splitter gidgie for more holes. You can put in whatever your brain can conceive and arms can carry. And it's exactly portable enough. Not too portable. That great fear of too much portability. You spraypaint a little apple logo on the top of your briefcase and you are the HIPPEST CAT IN JANKTOWN.

Now go make some dollars.

2011-06-17T01:22:00.000-05:00

Here is your new business plan:
First you look into how insurance works for zipcar (there are some pretty intense legal and logistical hurdles in this plan), and then you set up a similar infrastructure, but only in pretty urban areas. Your fleet of cars however, will have credit card and cash slots in the front and back seats (like a self checkout at a grocery store), and will be set up like taxis. There will be a system in place wherein anyone who gets in to drive will electronically sign a contract and waivers before the car will start. Once they're going, the person driving will pay a small flat fee based on time in the vehicle, but it will be set up to take fares from the back seat, and subtract that from the fee, so if they get enough fares fast enough, they will turn a profit and the cab will print out a check.

Back the to Realizations.

2011-05-31T10:34:00.002-05:00

A small town, 130 years, a few people and a clocktower. Such a small focus, and it never wavers.

I just feel bad for Biff. Wish someone took the time to try on him.

Let's invent the Carpoon.

2011-05-23T13:26:00.001-05:00

How does it work?
What is it for?
Can it be legal?

If this gets you totally rich, please throw me a bone.

2011-05-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

For real, though, there's gold in this one:

Online dating. Totally a thing. People look at pictures of one another on the internet and then decide to go on a date, and then they maybe meet in the real world at some point in the future. What it needs, with cell phones, is to be dropped down to a micro level. Faster. Smaller. An app that will use the gps on smartphones to find where the user is, then look in its database for other users nearby, display a little menu, and people can instantly meet up with people within some blocks or a mile or whatever they set it to. They can have options for if they're looking for a coffee date or just to chat and kill fifteen minutes while their oil is changed or if they want to make out in the back of a laundromat.

As far as I know this niche market is going totally unserviced (I just looked for probably two minutes, so I might be wrong), and I think it could be absolutely lucrative. Also great. Who doesn't want to have a maybe awkward conversation instead of sitting alone? Who doesn't want to sit next to a friendly stranger in a movie they went to alone?

Bam. Get on it.

Let's start a lifecasting cafe.

2011-03-01T16:09:00.002-06:00

Yes, of course there will be webcams around, but it will be more. People will order their drinks from their seats via twitter or facebook, and our baristas will respond in kind when they are prepared. Our coffee machines will tweet, as well. We will have a machine through which we feed all the tender we receive, and it will automatically scan the bills for serial numbers and upload them to where's george. Our background music will be based on the last.fm profiles of the people present at the time, and the art on the walls will be displayed on screens and influenced by their tumblrs and flickrs. There will be one screen up front where a computer will search for and display every mention of our cafe that occurs on the internet in real time.

It is important to me.

2011-01-11T23:32:00.003-06:00

Every movie I have watched in the last two weeks has either been a ridiculous slasher or started with a Tom Waits song. What does that mean?

Soup in a bread bowl, sure, okay.

2011-01-08T10:50:00.001-06:00

I think it is time for ice cream in a brownie bowl.

Happy Holidays.

2010-12-25T16:08:00.000-06:00

I thought I would take advantage of Christmas off to pay some bills and stuff. I can't, though, because every bill I have is on a website, and every website is trying to keep me secure by making me have a username and password, and requiring weird things from my password (one big letter, one small letter, two punctuation marks, the numeral 7) so I can't remember them. They also all need me to answer questions like, "what is your favorite food?", which I can't answer in real life, so who knows what I said if they asked me that once before. You don't need to be so secure that I myself can't get in, websites. You don't even need to be close to that secure. If someone else wants to go online and pay my cell phone bill, that's fine.

Live fast die young and other options.

2010-12-14T02:53:00.001-06:00

Maybe you live until you have had enough experiences, and then you are done.

Most popular video game.

2010-12-12T10:23:00.002-06:00

Here is the new idea for your video game productioning:
Two players. One is a James Bond character (perhaps Codename: Pink Grapefruit) who has been working secretly for the government for years, but support is lagging so he is being dragged out to be on televised fake missions with fake guns on sets. Player 1 needs to control him and be dramatic and ridiculous and a tad realistic. Tricks and timing. Player two controls the camera. So bad playing means 1 can't see. Also I am imagining the edge of a moon set or a boom pole in frame. Scoring will be accomplished by streaming live to internet; a simple viewer count.

Brain drop.

2010-11-20T21:58:00.000-06:00

So, yes, this past summer, my hard drives died, and now all my work from my life is missing. It sucks. But it doesn't make my stomach drop in the same way that it does every time I put my hand in my front left pocket, because, up until about two weeks ago, I had a little pink moleskine notebook in there full of ideas and doodles. About two weeks ago it disappeared. Not only have I lost all of my ideas, but I know they're out there somewhere. It has my phone number in it, but it's been a couple of weeks, so I am finally conceding it, and putting a new notebook in my pocket. I'm sadder about it, though, than I have been about anything in a long time. I feel like I lost a part of my brain. I feel like some stranger somewhere probably has a part of my brain.

Proof that every worthwhile director scores his or her own films.

2010-11-18T21:20:00.000-06:00

In the form of a list:

Robert Rodriguez
John Carpenter
Herschell Gordon Lewis

I want this so badly.

2010-10-31T00:19:00.000-05:00

Someone needs to make a website. Someone needs to make a nonprofit with a website. Someone needs to make a nonprofit called, "The Why Is It Terrible Institute" with a website called, "Why Is It Terrible" (might I recommend wiit.org). This website will be a curated list of what the institute can dig up on every business, so when a consumer is considering spending his or her money somewhere, she or he can jump on and see which businesses are the least harmful to the world.

The website would log businesses that have been searched for, and research any new ones, and also users could submit news stories or things they've heard, but the Institute would have to verify everything, because this will be a source of valuable information, not libel.

Seriously, do this.

Here is a song for your indie rock band.

2010-10-20T00:04:00.001-05:00

"I Only Have Eyes for (John) Woo".
It should mention Face/Off.

In the shadows of Shareware.

2010-10-17T08:35:00.020-05:00

I have decided that the reason I am inclined to software piracy is that I was raised in the era of Shareware. I hear it still exists, but not in the form it did as I was a budding computer user when there would be dudes at expos and little boxes at Radio Shack and even 4.25x11 newsprint catalogs mailed to your house selling one or three 3.5" floppies attached together with a cardboard band carrying an entire game for a dollar fifty. You could even get them free from bbs's, but that, I thought, lacked the charm.

Some of my dearest computer related memories are Shareware. Hexxagon. Blake Stone. Jazz Jackrabbit. Epic Pinball. Castle of the Winds.

Shirts say Stantz.

2010-10-14T18:26:00.002-05:00

I was just walking around Target hoping they'd have Halloween shirts (which I did not find). They always have a rack of shirts with things they think I ought to be nostalgic for printed on them, and one of the options I saw today was Ghostbusters uniforms on a shirt, but there is only one design, and it says "Stantz" on the name tag. It seems weird that they'd decide which Ghostbuster you can be.

Good luck.

2010-10-13T00:32:00.000-05:00

Perhaps this is a bit late in life, but I just realized for the first time that an appropriate synonym for "ass-hole" would be "burro burrow".

Use that for something productive.

Purely scientific observations on myself.

2010-10-11T16:35:00.000-05:00

Frequently I am unemployed. At the moment I am at the end of a two-week period of waiting for a job I just got to start, so for the last several days I have been just floating, trying to not spend the very little money I have. Mostly I am in or walking around near the condo. My circadian rhythm has been shifting, and I have been letting it, I think, for science and curiosity and lack of deterrent. I seem to be going to sleep and, consequently, waking up between half an hour and forty-five minutes later each day.

At first I thought I was cycling. My rhythm seems to be slightly longer than the earth/sun's, so I figured I would drift out of synch with the world and then, given enough time, back in and through again. I am not given enough time, however, and am just sliding into the nighttime, which makes me think that I have no reason to assume that my rhythm is pushing me around and not just shifting me into another place. Perhaps I'm naturally drifting into the dark and quiet hours, since they seem to be when I am the most comfortable walking around. Perhaps I'm just disappearing from the daytime world.

A new thought occurs to me, though. When I am awake, I am busy. I am working on projects, I am doing crosswords, I am reading, I am watching a movie, I am cooking, I am thinking hard while out on a walk, I am exercising. When I am asleep, I am busy. I am dreaming of walking and thinking and creeping and peeking and leaping. It is that one long twilight moment, when I have ceased to fidget and figure, when I am waiting for sleep to take me, that I am lonely. It is the only part of the day where I can feel how alone I am. Maybe I am just putting that moment off every day. Just pushing it back, and that's causing the drift.

I would like to propose.

2010-10-09T23:32:00.004-05:00

I would like to propose a Saw prequal. It would be the story of some total jerk's battle with cancer.

And lo.

2010-10-04T23:04:00.001-05:00

Letting nostalgia beat out practicality is an act of privilege.

Hero or villain.

2010-09-21T22:53:00.005-05:00

I would like to see a hero or villain whose powers are determined by the doubts of people. He or she would be able to do anything that people were actively doubting he or she could do. So the only way to accomplish things would be to convince people that he or she could not, to start small and work up, doing things secretly and failing at things publicly.

Maybe the best use of this is a video game where the use plays this person as a supervillain. The player would have to balance wins and losses to get better.

There is a beverage store in my dreams:

2010-09-16T16:38:00.001-05:00

I go there quite frequently. It is a giant warehouse in the midst of a strip, across from a building with lights that has been, at times, a motel and a restaurant. The warehouse is cinderblock and orange, and it contains aisles and aisles of all kinds of beverages.

First assignment.

2010-09-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

Your first assignment is to send me a video. But don't fret. You can do it.

I am asking for any kind of video. And by any kind of video I mean nice looking hd video, I mean something off a vhs tape, I mean an animation, I mean a series of ten photographs and two minutes of recorded dialogue, I mean three sketches you made sent to me in the mail and you call me on the phone and I record you reading your script. I want everything.

Your scene is an interaction between Patrick and Camilla. Or a few short interactions. Patrick wears a red shirt, or if he's topless he's painted red or really sunburned, or if he's a bird he's a red bird. He's identifiably red. He likes dinosaurs. Camilla is similarly identifiably yellow. She is probably holding a carrot. They may be in whatever setting you choose, and their interactions may consist of anything you choose.

I also would like a shot of you saying your name in the same format as your submission.

Notes (I just found) from my trip to shoot Lincolns.

2010-09-12T21:10:00.003-05:00

On the flight to DC, the two women I sat next to smelled like Camel cigarettes. One of them gave me strawberry-banana gum.
A couple, Jonathan and Sam, offered me a ride from the airport to wherever I was going.
The room next door to the Lincolns was housing a Green Seminar.
Some of the Mary Todds were pretty hot.
My life doesn't make any sense.

My impossible crushes.

2010-08-29T23:50:00.003-05:00

Thu Tran
Diane Rehm

Both my external hard drives died.

2010-08-24T07:37:00.006-05:00

I have lost all the things I have ever made. Videos, digital photos, musical scores, music, words I've written. Also all of the music I listen to. It is a time to reset my life.

Too hip for good posture.

2010-08-24T01:18:00.002-05:00

It is an issue.

My new tagging name.

2010-06-04T23:46:00.002-05:00

My new tagging name is "Joe Bitin'"; I only write on other peoples' tags.

We're starting a band.

2010-05-31T23:33:00.000-05:00

Let's start a metal band and call it Brutal Souza.
Our first album can be called Marching Orders.

I demand more customization.

2010-05-31T00:38:00.000-05:00

Someone needs to start a company that makes all-white (or, eventually, maybe, pastels) appliances. All the important information (like the names of the buttons on the blenders) would be on those stickers that say 10:10 on new digital clocks, so the consumer can peel them off. The same company would have to sell a variety of paint markers in colors and sizes, and people would decorate all their own appliances.

Why am I not yet a college professor?

2010-05-30T22:01:00.002-05:00

Selections from my course catalogue:

The Culture of Garfield.
A study of both: the representations of Garfield presented by Paws, Inc. and Jim Davis, including the comics, the cartoon, the recent films, and the merchandise; and the representations put forward by other artists, such as Garfield Without Garfield, the Garfield Randomizer, and various mashups that have been made with Garfield and Wolverine, or Garfield and He-Man.

Symbols and Abstractions.
We will look into the use of iconography in our culture, particularly in business and advertising. We will also consider the creation of our written language and discuss letters as abstractions rather than constructs (as provided by a font)*.

*When we learn initially, we often try to get the whole concept as quickly as possible and skip past the phase wherein we appreciate the abstract qualities of language.

Sometimes, and please do not ask me why.

2010-05-19T20:19:00.001-05:00

Sometimes.
And please do not ask me why.
(I am not sure I even know.)
I miss being lonely.

Double features in which an actor could be playing the same character.

2010-05-13T19:27:00.003-05:00

Double Feature: Rushmore, I Heart Huckabees
Actor who could be playing the same character: Jason Schwartzman
How much I would enjoy watching this: About seventy-five percent. One hundred percent at first, and fifty later.

Double Feature: Anatomy of a Murder, Road House
Actor who could be playing the same character: Ben Gazzara
How much I would enjoy watching this: So, so much.

It should be huge.

2010-04-29T14:45:00.002-05:00

Why is there not a black market for senior/disabled metro cards?

Skelebration.

2010-03-16T19:19:00.002-05:00

Skelebration.

the newest sport

2010-03-01T21:58:00.001-06:00

Freestyle sleeping.

Time Manifesto

2010-03-01T14:10:00.000-06:00

I will live eternal. To me, there will be no end. My approach to ensure this will be: I will create. I will not slow down. I will drop out of the flow of time. I will dream.

I will create art and rhetoric and friendships. I will create goodwill. I will create memories in those around me and artifacts in the world around me. These things will endure. I will place my print, cast my shadow on the consciousness of culture (of the world itself).

I will not live fast and die young; I will live fast and never die. The more perpetual my motion, the faster the speed I can maintain – the more slowly time will flow for me, the longer my relative time on earth.

I will, as often as possible, drop out of the flow of time. Whenever I can work hard enough or play hard enough or love hard enough to step out of the timeline to which more mundane practices are confined, I will do so with all of my being. Every instance, every moment of this, provides me with a new eternity in which to dwell.

Finally, I will dream as often and as richly as I am capable, because it is through dreaming that I can accomplish the tasks I have laid out for myself. It is dreaming alone that will allow me eternal life.

Surviving is not enough.

2010-02-14T23:07:00.002-06:00

Surviving is not enough.

the solution to a culinary issue that arose in a dream i had last night

2010-01-20T11:07:00.002-06:00

Graham cracker falafel with tahini-style peanut butter sauce.

Also it could be called

2010-01-15T14:00:00.002-06:00

Also it could be called "Perfunctory Revelations".

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T19:23:00.001-06:00

You're not getting scene one.

2009-12-23T22:03:00.001-06:00

Oh, medical humor.

2009-12-10T01:47:00.002-06:00

1: So, what branch of medicine are you involved in?
2: I'm an oncologist.
1: Oh, tumors and stuff, huh?
2: No, I work in an ER, it just seems like I spend my life ON CALL.

You may use this title, but only for something really good.

2009-12-09T18:37:00.000-06:00

Adjust a gigolo.

Thresholds.

2009-12-04T23:27:00.001-06:00

Meeting a celebrity is exciting.
Lower your concept of celebrity and meeting people can be exciting, too.

Bugs.

2009-11-24T18:03:00.002-06:00

"Bugs" is actually a totally sweet name.

Tubach

2009-11-18T00:04:00.003-06:00

Someone should get on this:
Write all tuba arrangements of some Bach pieces (might I recommend quartets as a place to start), get them recorded, and then remix the result with all Tupac vocals and some beats. Gold. It's all gold.

sad family issues vs. all-out rumpus

2009-11-11T12:32:00.003-06:00

The Hollywood film industry is like a friend of your dad's who seemed super awesome when you were growing up, but that you're old enough to really understand people you can see that he's a misinformed lecherous mess and you don't really want to deal with him most of the time, but also sometimes when he comes to Thanksgiving he gets drunk and hits on your aunt and then punches a cousin and passes out in gravy and that can be (though it doesn't have to be) pretty funny.

Right now we're having a feud, the film industry and I, where it has decided to go through my childhood and ruin everything I loved, one by one. A few examples: Transformers, Indiana Jones, Willy Wonka, Rocky and Bullwinkle, GI Joe, and the Wild Things.

It is my hope that perhaps we can push this trend to the extreme and start making things that are clearly based on my (and our collective) beloved childhood, but are not even a little bit trying to recapture it. Let's own that we're ruining things and push it as far as we can. Here then is my pitch for the next film I would like to see come out of this:

Gummi Bears: the (live action) Movie

The gummi bears should be portrayed by people in foam suits, a la Teletubbies, but with the actors' faces uncovered. All sets should be scaled up to make these people look small, and anyone portraying a person should be green-screened in to seem huge. The ogres should be a muppet/cgi combo.

The plot will focus around Duke Igthorn trying to become invincible and immortal and it should include the Barbic Gummis, Lady Bane, and a wizard. Things should blow up, and there should be battles that feel like they belong in the Lord of the Rings. Also Cavin should come of age. There should be some really uncomfortable sexual tension.

Cast -
Cavin: Michael Cera
Igthorn: Christopher Guest
Gruffi: Dean Stockwell
Zummi: Dustin Hoffman
Grammi: Kathy Bates
Tummi: Zach Galifianakis
Sunni: Ellen Page
Cubbi: Emile Hirsch

A sad sad story

2009-11-07T17:31:00.003-06:00

I went to a flea market today. A man was selling some old cameras including a nineteen-forty-something 8mm motion film camera that so small I could palm it and you would not know it was in my hand. The lens (and by lens I mean the entire mechanism, not just the glass) had a diameter of about two thirds of a dime. It was amazing. And adorable. I was admiring it and the man came over and first told me that it was too old to be used to take pictures, and then told me that he wanted twenty-five dollars for it. I had been thinking more along the lines of fifteen (though, of course, at this point in my life money has a pretty inflated meaning for me, so even fifteen is a lot), so I did not purchase the camera. I got to thinking later, though, that it must be sad for a thing like a camera to become something that is worth more to a person operating as a collector as an unwanted collectible than to a person operating as an artist as a tool for creation.

I hope, of course, that someone who wants to shoot 8mm finds it and buys it and loves it. I don't want it to spend any part of its productive life not living up to its potential.

a flash mob?

2009-09-22T03:01:00.002-05:00

Here is a fun game to play with friends:

You will need a place where people are at. I like tourists. Anywhere with a crowd (but it is nice if that crowd might have some cameras). You will need, also, several friends. You and your friends will go to the place with your own cameras (also you need cameras) and you will take pictures of each other taking pictures. The goal is to get as many pictures of the other players taking pictures as possible without being noticed by the people you are photographing. The secondary goal is to notice anyone who is taking a picture of you and make sure they do not get a shot of you taking a shot.

Go. Play.

On compliments.

2009-08-31T12:21:00.002-05:00

If a person is one in a million, wouldn't that mean that there are almost seven thousand other people exactly like them?

patron of the everlovin' arts

2009-08-31T12:09:00.002-05:00

Someone should make a website in the social networking style wherein artists may sign up for a page and show off what they do. They could maybe sell their work from there, in the name of strict capitalism, but that is not what it is really about. Also people may find work they like and make direct contributions, which would be really nice, but also is not the meat of the site. The meat is where rich people who love art can find artists they want to date and try to woo them on the internet.

This is a really good idea. If anyone wants to make it but wants help with figuring out details, I'm all over giving you a hand.

Which side are you on?

2009-06-01T21:37:00.002-05:00

Kettle corn vs. unicorn.

A line of dialogue for you to use.

2009-05-24T01:59:00.002-05:00

"He's a real dick in wolf's clothing."

It has taken me a long time to get here.

2009-05-23T17:35:00.002-05:00

I have, for as long as I can remember, been the unwilling recipient of a few specific adjectives (or descriptive phrases): unique, full of potential, strange, idiotic, and a few others in a similar vein. I reject (and have forever rejected) them all.

However, I have, in the last few days, while watching videos that film students have made and placed on the internet (presumably because they were proud of them) come to accept that I do have a different aesthetic than many (perhaps even the majority of) other people.

Sadly, it is impossible.

2009-05-23T15:28:00.002-05:00

You know what would make an amazing film?
An early-career Bill Murray obliviously following and irritating a depressed late-career Bill Murray.

I wish I had the attention span and literary chops to throw down a manifesto proper.

2009-05-23T02:15:00.002-05:00

When making a film (or video for the internet, even), it is not important to show life as it is. We all know it. Show life as it happens post-processing; after the brain has finished considering and tainting it. That is what makes the film a necessary step in the storytelling.

True story.

2009-05-19T02:11:00.002-05:00

I drove past a playground today and a bunch of little girls were waving at all the cars, so I honked and waved and they were totally pumped. Yesterday I was messing around on youtube, as one sometimes does, and I discovered the appallingly boring world of tween girls making "the and show". There are a TON of them, and not one of them knows what they're doing. One of the videos I watched a bit of (I could not make it all the way through any of them) featured two girls on a front lawn, presumably to do a half-thought out bit when they are distracted by tenuous and fleeting interlocution with a passing clutch of golf players.

It is stunning how much merely making contact with other people is exciting for young people. Where does that go? How can we harness that? There's so much art to be had in working with strangers.

A bit of dialogue for you to (fix up and) put in something:

2009-05-18T17:07:00.001-05:00

1: So, the marathon you're running is three days long?
2: Not quite. It's three marathons on sequential days. They're a tournament.
1: Won't everyone be too exhausted to run in the second and third race?
2: Sure, yeah. That's part of what makes it hard. The first day we have four marathons with anyone who enters. The top fifty in each race compete on the second day in two marathons of a hundred people, and the top twenty-five in each of those run in the Master Race on the third day.
1: You're calling the final marathon the "Master Race"?
2: Yeah.
1: You might want to rethink that.

A play with elderly puppets:

2009-05-16T05:49:00.002-05:00

Paunch and Droopy.

I said this one time and I stand behind it.

2009-05-13T03:40:00.000-05:00

Science: the Religion of Magic.

I have always thought I was prepared.

2009-05-13T02:07:00.002-05:00

I assumed that no matter where or when I would be ready to take on a creationist who wants to make arguments against evolution based in "science". If they resorted to faith, I know, I would not be able to argue, as they'd be in an arena I am unequipped to enter. But fake science I am all over.

Joining a gym has provided a few new opportunities for me. For instance, last week I was hit on while naked for the first time ever. A guy ogled me in the shower, and then tried to take me home (while still in the shower, and then again in the locker room). It's an ego-boost to have someone interested in you for your fully exposed body, but also it's a little weird.

Tonight went a tiny step further when, while I was sitting in the steam room the only other guy in there started talking to me and masturbating a little. I looked away to indicate my lack of interest. I think steam rooms are a pretty legit place to pick someone up, so I assumed he was just seeing if I was interested, because he stopped when I didn't respond favorably. There are pretty basic rules of conduct. No reason to get offended unless you indicate lack of interest and a guy persists in automanipulation. After all, if there were naked girls in the steam room and I were in any way comfortable propositioning a strange girl, I'm sure I'd try to pick people up in the steam room, too. There's something tantalizing about being hot and wet and not able to see very far. Maybe not if you're myopic and lost in the everglades.

When I didn't go for the flesh, he switched over to congenial conversation mode, which I am pretty much a sucker for, so we talked about what exercises we do, and then he told me about how if you don't use your leg muscles your body starts to die, which I countered by talking about this totally fantastic article I read the other night about how monkeys have way long toes and we don't and there are a bunch of scientists who think that the only reason our toes would have evolved shorter is so that we can run extreme distances. I think that's great, that we evolved to run all day, and to chase down animals to eat. He sat up and told me that they haven't proven evolution and that's why it's "just a theory".

What? Really? You were just masturbating to see if I was interested in anonymous gay sex and you're a conservative christian? How does that even happen? In my confusion, and also due to my wanting to relax after some exercise (hence the steam room), I didn't jump to my defenses and correct his swapping of the vernacular bastardization of "theory" (which we probably should put an end to) for the much more stringent scientific actual definition of "theory". "Just a theory" doesn't make a thing unproven. "Just a hypothesis" does.

I learned today that I am not always ready to take on the confused. Because sometimes I, myself, am confused.

That sounds like the beginning of a secular sermon. Are there science churches? There ought to be. Where really charismatic people talk about dealing with issues and coping with the world and also science. Neal Degrasse Tyson would be a great minister of science.

Mondays and Thursdays are a dollar a string.

2009-05-13T00:48:00.002-05:00

I have been bowling sidearm for years. It's the only way I know how. I'm not a very good bowler. Sometimes my father tries to show me how it's normal to bowl and I can't seem to do it. No matter what I think I do he says I'm still swinging way out to the side.

Last night, between the two strings we bowled, he said to me, "Jim, when you only have a few pins left you seem to have more control." That is because when there're only one or two standing I throw underhand instead of sidearm. I told him this. "Then why don't you just throw underhand all the time?"

My second score was more than twice my first.

Things I learned in college:

2009-05-12T10:18:00.000-05:00

If you are going to be a mess, you might as well be a hot mess.

Voicemail I left for myself on a fifteen mile walk the other night: 2.

2009-05-12T04:18:00.001-05:00

Voicemail I left for myself on a fifteen mile walk the other night: 1.

2009-05-12T04:16:00.000-05:00

I would like to apologize.

2009-05-12T03:34:00.001-05:00

My mind has mostly stopped bursting of late.
I promise it will be back someday.

In which I am a dick about people spelling things wrong, and also I put no effort into drawing a wolf.

2009-05-12T03:28:00.002-05:00

I totally forgot to integrate the joke into this in any way and it is this: "warewolf".

Tower of Gower

2009-05-10T04:42:00.001-05:00

I can not sleep at all tonight.

2009-05-08T05:10:00.002-05:00

The thunderstorms are incredible.

It is the kind of a night that makes a man want to make big changes in his life.

Merely an observation.

2009-05-07T23:52:00.000-05:00

Everyone who is in a Wendy's at eleven at night on a Wednesday is in some kind of a situation.

Men who have written one song I enjoy and have a vast catalogue of music I find unlistenable.

2009-05-07T23:25:00.002-05:00

1. Rob Thomas
2. Rod Stewart

Terrifying speculative statistics.

2009-05-05T02:02:00.002-05:00

I can pretty confidently assert a hypothesis that nearly every police officer in the country has watched Bruce Willis fire a gun.

I have discussed this with a few people before, I don't believe it's fully in the public consciousness yet.

2009-05-03T22:24:00.002-05:00

Mix cds are fully as romantic (and take the same mantle) as bouquets of flowers.

Of course, mixtapes were even moreso. But nobody has the required equipment for them anymore.

The cereal is pretty good, though.

2009-05-03T22:20:00.002-05:00

"Life" is the most depressing board game.

Tower of Gower

2009-05-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

I know this can't be done, because it's been done from all angles already.

2009-04-29T00:09:00.003-05:00

I was just wandering around this evening, my mind doing the same, when I stumbled into fantasy territory that would best be described as a meeting of Shaolin Soccer and dodgeball. I mean, it started as a life-fantasy, but then I had a fleeting moment of "it should be a movie", when clearly it can't.

It could have that beautiful moment, though, when the main protagonist finally busts out his chi for the first time and he's about to lose and he's totally freaking out and then he puts on his big determined angry face and all the balls float up off the floor and hover around him before he starts sending them careening across the court.

Businesses I would start if I came into a huge extra lot of money,

2009-04-28T03:33:00.000-05:00

And how profitable/successful I think they would be:

1. A vegetarian fast food restaurant that will focus on the sloppy vibe of fast food rather than being the most healthy. Also it will serve local sodas and use local ice cream in milkshakes. The menu will be limited, in the style of an In 'n Out or a Five Guys. I think it will be called "Monster Food Monster".
2. A soda company that will have flavors such as cucumber rose and sesame seed. Flavors from actual mashed-up plants. We will sweeten with stevia and xylitol exclusively.
3. An advertising agency named initially "'Mild' Wayne Toothfairy's Wild Maine Blueberries", which will soon thereafter be shortened to "Mild Wayne's". It should seem as much like a lounge-bar as an advertising agency can. It will mostly be focused around television commercials, but will be all up into total rebranding if the opportunity arises.
4. A production company, which ought to make features, but will also ideally involve a compound somewhere that will focus on the revitalization of television serials and to that end will have a team of house actors and pump out one eight or ten episode piece every year. Also I am still interested in running weekly soap operas in movie theaters.
5. A museum which has science and art and confusion all mashed up against one another. It should also feature an attached movie theater that is running something all the time (but certainly not first run anything) that you can pay five dollars to get into and stay as long as you please.
6. A gymnasium called "Brollic" that will focus on marital arts and running with weights and doing yoga with weighted straps while listening to metal songs slowed way down. Also classes in doing pull-ups.

1. Moderate in most places, but slammin' in places like Portland and San Francisco.
2. Probably not that well at all.
3. Slow start, but a big bang.
4. We would burn the charts.
5. Very few people would even notice, but the ones who did would be happy.
6. So awesome.

Things I would obtain if I had expendable money:

2009-04-28T00:48:00.003-05:00

An El Camino.
Darkroom equipment/chemicals.
Materials for making paint.
Wood.
A pull-up bar.
Film.
A video camera.
Extension of flickr pro account.
The science of rockets.
A ukulele.

It is a new television show.

2009-04-27T12:07:00.002-05:00

"Kids Tell the Worst Stories".

the Zombievore's Dilemma

2009-04-26T03:47:00.003-05:00

I know that "zombievore" is not a word, so shut up about that.

What is the purpose of a zombie? They're a strange species, if you can call them that. We have no definitive answer as to whether they are a symbiotic monstrosity (like Voltron!) or merely a reanimated body. Regardless, their two primary goals seem to be those same first two goals all species have: to eat food (self-preservation), and to propagate.

The issue, of course, with zombies, is that their means of reproduction is accomplishable only by failing to thoroughly feed. Given that they are essentially brainless creatures, devoid of thought processes higher than instinct, and the fact that they tend to travel in large ravenous packs, how do they regulate? And each person they only take one bite out of then becomes one more hungry set of rotting teeth in the pack. There must be some rule as to how many people can be turned and how many must just be eaten.

Assuming that people are nutritionally comparable to pork (about 137 calories per 113 grams of flesh), and also assuming that the average zombie needs as many calories to keep going as a person who spends his or her days roaming around and tackling food (in the range of 2800 calories), a zombie needs in the neighborhood of 2300 grams (or five pounds) of human flesh per day.

That stated, if the average American is 191 lbs. in men and 164 lbs. in women (as it was in 2002), and if a zombie needs to be at least 3/4 present to remain functional after conversion, the average American could feed eight or nine zombies for a full day and still become a zombie him or herself. That's actually a lot better than I would have imagined. So then the only concern becomes what to do when there are only zombies left. Because cannibalism is uncivilized.

Also, I ought to acknowledge that I am talking, here, about Romero zombies, not voodoo zombies. I imagine voodoo zombies just ate (eat?) normal people foods and were (are?) not concerned with making new zombies.

Tower of Gower

2009-04-25T15:32:00.002-05:00

Things that (at least from the standpoint of a man) are more beautiful than art can be:

2009-04-24T23:04:00.004-05:00

A functional old mechanical watch that was owned by a grandfather who did good things.
A pocketknife with a worn-down handle.
Unflinching work in unpleasant weather.
A hot meal.
Sitting together in silence.

I strongly believe...

2009-04-24T00:39:00.002-05:00

I strongly believe that a man should be allowed to urinate anywhere on his property that he chooses.