I was just wandering around this evening, my mind doing the same, when I stumbled into fantasy territory that would best be described as a meeting of Shaolin Soccer and dodgeball. I mean, it started as a life-fantasy, but then I had a fleeting moment of "it should be a movie", when clearly it can't.
It could have that beautiful moment, though, when the main protagonist finally busts out his chi for the first time and he's about to lose and he's totally freaking out and then he puts on his big determined angry face and all the balls float up off the floor and hover around him before he starts sending them careening across the court.
4.28.2009
Businesses I would start if I came into a huge extra lot of money,
And how profitable/successful I think they would be:
1. A vegetarian fast food restaurant that will focus on the sloppy vibe of fast food rather than being the most healthy. Also it will serve local sodas and use local ice cream in milkshakes. The menu will be limited, in the style of an In 'n Out or a Five Guys. I think it will be called "Monster Food Monster".
2. A soda company that will have flavors such as cucumber rose and sesame seed. Flavors from actual mashed-up plants. We will sweeten with stevia and xylitol exclusively.
3. An advertising agency named initially "'Mild' Wayne Toothfairy's Wild Maine Blueberries", which will soon thereafter be shortened to "Mild Wayne's". It should seem as much like a lounge-bar as an advertising agency can. It will mostly be focused around television commercials, but will be all up into total rebranding if the opportunity arises.
4. A production company, which ought to make features, but will also ideally involve a compound somewhere that will focus on the revitalization of television serials and to that end will have a team of house actors and pump out one eight or ten episode piece every year. Also I am still interested in running weekly soap operas in movie theaters.
5. A museum which has science and art and confusion all mashed up against one another. It should also feature an attached movie theater that is running something all the time (but certainly not first run anything) that you can pay five dollars to get into and stay as long as you please.
6. A gymnasium called "Brollic" that will focus on marital arts and running with weights and doing yoga with weighted straps while listening to metal songs slowed way down. Also classes in doing pull-ups.
1. Moderate in most places, but slammin' in places like Portland and San Francisco.
2. Probably not that well at all.
3. Slow start, but a big bang.
4. We would burn the charts.
5. Very few people would even notice, but the ones who did would be happy.
6. So awesome.
1. A vegetarian fast food restaurant that will focus on the sloppy vibe of fast food rather than being the most healthy. Also it will serve local sodas and use local ice cream in milkshakes. The menu will be limited, in the style of an In 'n Out or a Five Guys. I think it will be called "Monster Food Monster".
2. A soda company that will have flavors such as cucumber rose and sesame seed. Flavors from actual mashed-up plants. We will sweeten with stevia and xylitol exclusively.
3. An advertising agency named initially "'Mild' Wayne Toothfairy's Wild Maine Blueberries", which will soon thereafter be shortened to "Mild Wayne's". It should seem as much like a lounge-bar as an advertising agency can. It will mostly be focused around television commercials, but will be all up into total rebranding if the opportunity arises.
4. A production company, which ought to make features, but will also ideally involve a compound somewhere that will focus on the revitalization of television serials and to that end will have a team of house actors and pump out one eight or ten episode piece every year. Also I am still interested in running weekly soap operas in movie theaters.
5. A museum which has science and art and confusion all mashed up against one another. It should also feature an attached movie theater that is running something all the time (but certainly not first run anything) that you can pay five dollars to get into and stay as long as you please.
6. A gymnasium called "Brollic" that will focus on marital arts and running with weights and doing yoga with weighted straps while listening to metal songs slowed way down. Also classes in doing pull-ups.
1. Moderate in most places, but slammin' in places like Portland and San Francisco.
2. Probably not that well at all.
3. Slow start, but a big bang.
4. We would burn the charts.
5. Very few people would even notice, but the ones who did would be happy.
6. So awesome.
Things I would obtain if I had expendable money:
An El Camino.
Darkroom equipment/chemicals.
Materials for making paint.
Wood.
A pull-up bar.
Film.
A video camera.
Extension of flickr pro account.
The science of rockets.
A ukulele.
Darkroom equipment/chemicals.
Materials for making paint.
Wood.
A pull-up bar.
Film.
A video camera.
Extension of flickr pro account.
The science of rockets.
A ukulele.
4.27.2009
4.26.2009
the Zombievore's Dilemma
I know that "zombievore" is not a word, so shut up about that.
What is the purpose of a zombie? They're a strange species, if you can call them that. We have no definitive answer as to whether they are a symbiotic monstrosity (like Voltron!) or merely a reanimated body. Regardless, their two primary goals seem to be those same first two goals all species have: to eat food (self-preservation), and to propagate.
The issue, of course, with zombies, is that their means of reproduction is accomplishable only by failing to thoroughly feed. Given that they are essentially brainless creatures, devoid of thought processes higher than instinct, and the fact that they tend to travel in large ravenous packs, how do they regulate? And each person they only take one bite out of then becomes one more hungry set of rotting teeth in the pack. There must be some rule as to how many people can be turned and how many must just be eaten.
Assuming that people are nutritionally comparable to pork (about 137 calories per 113 grams of flesh), and also assuming that the average zombie needs as many calories to keep going as a person who spends his or her days roaming around and tackling food (in the range of 2800 calories), a zombie needs in the neighborhood of 2300 grams (or five pounds) of human flesh per day.
That stated, if the average American is 191 lbs. in men and 164 lbs. in women (as it was in 2002), and if a zombie needs to be at least 3/4 present to remain functional after conversion, the average American could feed eight or nine zombies for a full day and still become a zombie him or herself. That's actually a lot better than I would have imagined. So then the only concern becomes what to do when there are only zombies left. Because cannibalism is uncivilized.
Also, I ought to acknowledge that I am talking, here, about Romero zombies, not voodoo zombies. I imagine voodoo zombies just ate (eat?) normal people foods and were (are?) not concerned with making new zombies.
What is the purpose of a zombie? They're a strange species, if you can call them that. We have no definitive answer as to whether they are a symbiotic monstrosity (like Voltron!) or merely a reanimated body. Regardless, their two primary goals seem to be those same first two goals all species have: to eat food (self-preservation), and to propagate.
The issue, of course, with zombies, is that their means of reproduction is accomplishable only by failing to thoroughly feed. Given that they are essentially brainless creatures, devoid of thought processes higher than instinct, and the fact that they tend to travel in large ravenous packs, how do they regulate? And each person they only take one bite out of then becomes one more hungry set of rotting teeth in the pack. There must be some rule as to how many people can be turned and how many must just be eaten.
Assuming that people are nutritionally comparable to pork (about 137 calories per 113 grams of flesh), and also assuming that the average zombie needs as many calories to keep going as a person who spends his or her days roaming around and tackling food (in the range of 2800 calories), a zombie needs in the neighborhood of 2300 grams (or five pounds) of human flesh per day.
That stated, if the average American is 191 lbs. in men and 164 lbs. in women (as it was in 2002), and if a zombie needs to be at least 3/4 present to remain functional after conversion, the average American could feed eight or nine zombies for a full day and still become a zombie him or herself. That's actually a lot better than I would have imagined. So then the only concern becomes what to do when there are only zombies left. Because cannibalism is uncivilized.
Also, I ought to acknowledge that I am talking, here, about Romero zombies, not voodoo zombies. I imagine voodoo zombies just ate (eat?) normal people foods and were (are?) not concerned with making new zombies.
4.25.2009
4.24.2009
Things that (at least from the standpoint of a man) are more beautiful than art can be:
A functional old mechanical watch that was owned by a grandfather who did good things.
A pocketknife with a worn-down handle.
Unflinching work in unpleasant weather.
A hot meal.
Sitting together in silence.
A pocketknife with a worn-down handle.
Unflinching work in unpleasant weather.
A hot meal.
Sitting together in silence.
I strongly believe...
I strongly believe that a man should be allowed to urinate anywhere on his property that he chooses.
4.23.2009
This is actually maybe a really good idea.
A book for kids about a housecat who covets his owner's food so much that he wishes to be as tall as his owner and have fingers like his owner so that he can gain access to it. His wish is granted, and he becomes a sasquatch.
Films with no target audience: part two.
A homophobic guy in a gym locker room thinks he sees another guy making eyes at him. He decides to beat him up, but wants to be duplicitous, so he posts on missed connections. The other man responds, and they arrange to meet in a motel. The homophobic guy gets the room and hides friends in the closet to help him beat up the other guy, but when the other guy arrives he has a posse too, because he is also homophobic and intending to commit a hate crime. The two guys become fast friends and make out.
This film is a short.
This film is a short.
4.22.2009
Films with no target audience: part one.
George W. Bush is in office and he realizes his advisers and cabinet are using him as a patsy and doing terrible things. He fights back against them, silently sabotaging so they will not notice.
4.21.2009
4.20.2009
You can not have this one because I am going to use it.
Carl Stopwatch and the Topless Carwash.
(I just laughed for probably fifteen minutes about Carl Stopwatch.)
(I just laughed for probably fifteen minutes about Carl Stopwatch.)
Leaving a life.
Leaving a life that is satisfactory to do a short-term thing that is great makes returning unsatisfactory.
New Film: the Importance of Being Ernest
A fictionalized biography (only slightly in the vein of Being John Malkovich) of Jim Varney.
Difficult things to photograph attractively, round nine:
White men in black suits in direct midday sunlight.
4.17.2009
Money, apparently, is no longer enough.
Money, apparently, is no longer enough. Oh, the tragedies of the average 26 year old.
4.16.2009
Itinerary.
Waking up in four hours to fly out in seven hours to blitz through Lincolnfest Ultra.
Now would be a good time to sleep.
Now would be a good time to sleep.
4.15.2009
Title for a short story.
"the Plight of the Bumblebee".
It could also be for an essay on dying honeybees, but I heard that's over now.
It could also be for an essay on dying honeybees, but I heard that's over now.
4.14.2009
Observations on the behaviours of men in gymnasium shower rooms.
Given a tiny towel to use in a steam room, most guys would prefer to cover their genitalia and sit on the tainted tiles than sit on the towel in the name of sanitation.
When any man encounters a naked other man, the eyes go straight to the penis. He could have one arm and a face the size of his torso: straight to the penis.
A fun game to play in the locker rooms:
Try to figure out why each guy is ashamed of his body (it's a pretty safe assumption that most of them are).
When any man encounters a naked other man, the eyes go straight to the penis. He could have one arm and a face the size of his torso: straight to the penis.
A fun game to play in the locker rooms:
Try to figure out why each guy is ashamed of his body (it's a pretty safe assumption that most of them are).
4.12.2009
Entire genres of girl on whom I have crushes:
Really crazy (in a non-violent way).
Has a cute voice.
Is really talented at something I don't understand.
Banters transcendentally.
Strange or asymmetrical eyes/eyebrow scar.
Has a cute voice.
Is really talented at something I don't understand.
Banters transcendentally.
Strange or asymmetrical eyes/eyebrow scar.
Solving social issues.
Is there a way we can harness the power of earthquakes to create electricity?
4.11.2009
4.10.2009
I need a partner.
Someone needs to start a rap group with me. We'll affect Jamaican accents and call ourselves "Tornado Pete" and "Torpedo Nate". We will sample Harry Belafonte, Lee "Scratch" Perry, and Eek-a-Mouse in every song.
4.09.2009
Actors who played one role so long and so hard that they will never be known by their proper names (even if they want to be).
the Rock
Marky Mark
Screech/Urkel
Bill Cosby
Marky Mark
Screech/Urkel
Bill Cosby
4.08.2009
I met a man named Needles.
Always wanted to write a play but needed a writing prompt?
"Who's Afraid of Lenny Echtenstein?"
That should be the title, and he should call himself Lenny, but everyone else should call him Leonard.
"Who's Afraid of Lenny Echtenstein?"
That should be the title, and he should call himself Lenny, but everyone else should call him Leonard.
Let's get so rich.
Cocaine can't be that much different from caffeine, can it? Why don't people snort a ton of powdered caffeine? Is this a legal drug ring someone wants to start with me?
4.07.2009
4.06.2009
I donate to society.
A title to use for something: Lost in TransBatman.
Need a sequel? The Batman Suicides.
Need a sequel? The Batman Suicides.
New life goal.
I want to do something (anything) that will cause Dr. John to call me (preferably to my face) a "jive sucka".
4.05.2009
Maturity, Achieving
I have made it to a point in my life where I can admit that building a pinball machine would be pretty hard.
However, there are entirely software jukeboxes now, and it would be super-simple to make an entirely digital jukebox that just played noise, Mastodon, and Prince.
However, there are entirely software jukeboxes now, and it would be super-simple to make an entirely digital jukebox that just played noise, Mastodon, and Prince.
4.04.2009
I can't make money in real life
I have decided that maybe I can make money on the internet.
I have just discovered that not only can I try to sell people pictures to put on shirts, but you can propose just words that maybe they'll pay you to use. I am now (since clever has never been my primary trade) suggesting the dumbest things I can think of.
Bears
Krunk
I have just discovered that not only can I try to sell people pictures to put on shirts, but you can propose just words that maybe they'll pay you to use. I am now (since clever has never been my primary trade) suggesting the dumbest things I can think of.
Bears
Krunk
4.03.2009
Also Lincoln:
This is real, actual, contemporary web design.
Hopefully the rest of the internet will catch up with Lincoln Graphics soon.
Hopefully the rest of the internet will catch up with Lincoln Graphics soon.
There are few things as obnoxious as blogs.
I will be traveling to DC soon to take pictures of a whole mob of Abraham Lincolns.
I just wanted to state that so that it would be what my first post was about. Also: probably pictures.
I just wanted to state that so that it would be what my first post was about. Also: probably pictures.
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