I want all of the internets.

So I am sitting in my friend's condo, and she has a secured wireless connection, but there are also a few unsecured networks in nearby units. A different friend is emailing me gigabytes of video files, and it's taking figuratively forever to download it all. Someone should pioneer a software system with which I can connect my computer to multiple wifi networks simultaneously. If there's a restriction on the hardware, that is a problem. Although, you could still probably build a little usb duder that would make it happen.


Full discretion - I am not checking to see if this already is a thing because I lied and am not really in a condo. I am typing on my phone in the metro. But I did just leave my friend's condo.

BEST IDEA.

Let's start a business where people send us their dead pets and we turn their skin/fur into shoes.

Potentially un-PC terms I learned from my otherwise very sensitive mother.

Whore's Bath - washing down just your smelly bits instead of getting a full wash.
Old Maids - the unpopped kernals left over after making popcorn.

Electro-hinge, inc.

If you mounted little generators in the hinges of the doors of busy retail spaces (or libraries or anything) could you get enough power to make it worthwhile?

Band names.

I just found a bunch of band names (two with album names attached) I pitched to some folks I was writing music with in February of 2009:

Scam Artists (Scartists)
Dr. Thankenstein
Count Thankula
Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Thanks
Swamp Thank
Thankzilla
Tyrannosaurus Thanks
Thanks-a-Mouse
Franksgiving
the Batman Suicides - Lost in TransBatman
Batman Antoinette - Bed, Bath, and Batman
There Will Be Batman
The Batman Prophecies
the Truth About Cats and Batman
Grosse Point Batman
Tricerathanks
I Might Be a Trucker

Plans for the most appealing least functionally appropriate instrument.

Get a turntable, slightly broken or fully functional, whatever your price range. Swap out the motor with a stepper motor. Press a record with concentric circles instead of a spiral, and put different quality tones in each circle, but all just playing a440 at 33rpm. A sine track, a square track, maybe a stretched out dog bark track, whatever. Then you can, using arduino (or a basic stamp or whatever you prefer) create an input that will convert midi-inputted notes into the correct speed ratio to spin the turntable and produce any pitch you want. Like an optigan or a mellotron, but way cheaper (except the pressing vinyl part).

Alternately, for the lazy/adventurous, just put a variable resistor in place of the speed switch on the original motor. It could be a pot, or a capacitance thing (like a theremin), or some kind of string (like an ondes martenot). Whatever. That way you could get all portamento-y and wobbly and inconsistent.

This is all totally clear in my brain. If it doesn't make any sense out of my brain let me know. I'd hate to be confusing anyone.

ALSO, really the plan here is to just produce a bunch of copies of that piece of vinyl, and sell them along with maybe some plans on how folks can make the instrument themselves, and people will all go nuts with it.

Let's make MMA but for musicians.

They can battle like a DJ battle, but they can do any kind or combination of kinds of musics they want.

"Step into the optigan!"

Rejected Halloween Costumes.

Walrus vampire (the biggest teeth).
Spraypaint can with actual spraypaint in the nozzle.
Trojan horse (horsey face, and a velcro rip-open belly full of toy soldiers also cloth intestines).

For the business-minded.

Cyberdinette: kitchen furnishings for and inspired by killer robots from the future.

Musical artists who ain't afraid of no ghost (potentially incomplete).

Ray Parker, Jr.
Run-DMC
Doug E. Fresh
Kidz Bop
Alvin and the Chipmunks

I don't get twitter.

I tried to start a thing on twitter, because there are things that rush around on there. So I tried to make one. But I know like four people, and I tweet maybe once a month, so nobody reads anything I say. But I liked this. So I am moving it here, where still nobody will read it, but I will feel better about it. Here we go.

Double sequels:
Fear and Loathing in Little China
the Nutty Professional
Butch Cassidy and the Giant Peach
Field of Nightmares (on Elm Street)
Back to the Fargo
Mrs. Doubtfire and the Rats of NIMH
the Empire Strikes Beethoven
301 Dalmations
Joe Dirty Dancing

Bonus triple sequel:
the Truth About Aristocats and Reservoir Dogs

Pick any two.

Improve yourself physically.
Improve yourself mentally.
Improve yourself socially.
Maintain your lifestyle.
Make money.
Make art.
Sleep.

For all you fashion designers.

Let's convince a major upscale brand retailer to set up a whole lot of empty cases and mannequins in a section of the store. We can call it "the Emperor's New Collection" and tell everyone they can only see the things they're rich enough to buy.

But what should I call my blog where I geek out about office supplies?

Three Rings to Bind them All.

You're welcome.

For if/when you get married.

At the reception give every person a pair of nice dress socks tucked into a coffee mug that says, "I socked 'im twice and then I mugged 'im."

It is funny first for the obvious dumb joke, and then a day or two later when they realize you gave them a favor entirely disconnected from the event, and then a third time when they realize that without the socks, the mug doesn't even make any sense.

Also you could use that for most other events.

Sorry about the uncharacteristically low idea-to-word ratio.

My laptop is hobbling. I mean, if it were a person. As a thing it's not hobbling at all. It's just not in good condition anymore. One USB port doesn't work, the battery doesn't hold a charge, the cd drive is intermittent at best (it hasn't burned a disc in years), and the screen is dead. It's hobbling.

I would like to be functional again. The minimum for that is a new screen, and I am looking at old macbook pros like mine but with fried brains for around 200 dollars, and thinking maybe I can steal their faces and be working. Maybe I can even steal their cd drives. But looking at them on ebay makes me also look at functional laptops which makes me also look at refurbished laptops on apple's website, which makes me want to spend 2000 dollars instead which is so many more dollars than I have (200 is also more dollars than I have for spending, but it seems necessary).

Here, though, is the super-great idea I just had for MAKING the best laptop EVER. If I had a little bit more time I would do this right now. In fact, maybe this will be my next computer regardless. And this is not about a hackintosh. Though I have considered that route. And also not about a PC, because it is necessary for my lifestyle that I be running around with final cut pro at my fingertips AT ALL TIMES.


HERE IT GOES:

First, get a refurb mac mini from apple. It's about a grand. Or, actually, I just looked and new ones start around 700 dollars (the care plan is only 150 dollars more, 200 less than for a macbook pro).

Great. Now get a cheap lcd monitor. I found a 19" one with the same resolution of my now-dead laptop screen for under $100. But you maybe want a slightly smaller one for weight purposes. There are a lot of options.

The mac mini does not come with a keyboard or mouse (that would ruin how incredibly tiny it is), so get any usb keyboard and either a mouse or if you want to be fancy, apple sells badass trackpads.

Now you run to goodwill and pick yourself up a smallish but stylish briefcase (I think you see where I am going with this) and INSTALL.

"But..." you are about to exclaim (I am just ahead of you, you see), "what about POWERS?" Oh, I'm on it.

First, a small power strip can be had for cheap. That's all you need if you are okay with being 110-bound (you would be surprised how few places you can drag a laptop don't have power to plug into), but don't limit yourself. A cheap inverter can be obtained for under twenty dollars, which will convert 12vdc into 110ac. That inverter can be pretty easily wired onto a li-on battery pack, and you can get that guy for about sixty dollars in a kit with a recharger.

POOF.

You now have more power and more free space and more speed and more USB ports than any macbook. For much cheaper. And customizibility. You can put a disc-burner in that briefcase. You can put in a little usb-splitter gidgie for more holes. You can put in whatever your brain can conceive and arms can carry. And it's exactly portable enough. Not too portable. That great fear of too much portability. You spraypaint a little apple logo on the top of your briefcase and you are the HIPPEST CAT IN JANKTOWN.

Now go make some dollars.

Here is your new business plan:
First you look into how insurance works for zipcar (there are some pretty intense legal and logistical hurdles in this plan), and then you set up a similar infrastructure, but only in pretty urban areas. Your fleet of cars however, will have credit card and cash slots in the front and back seats (like a self checkout at a grocery store), and will be set up like taxis. There will be a system in place wherein anyone who gets in to drive will electronically sign a contract and waivers before the car will start. Once they're going, the person driving will pay a small flat fee based on time in the vehicle, but it will be set up to take fares from the back seat, and subtract that from the fee, so if they get enough fares fast enough, they will turn a profit and the cab will print out a check.

Back the to Realizations.

A small town, 130 years, a few people and a clocktower. Such a small focus, and it never wavers.

I just feel bad for Biff. Wish someone took the time to try on him.

Let's invent the Carpoon.

How does it work?
What is it for?
Can it be legal?

If this gets you totally rich, please throw me a bone.

For real, though, there's gold in this one:

Online dating. Totally a thing. People look at pictures of one another on the internet and then decide to go on a date, and then they maybe meet in the real world at some point in the future. What it needs, with cell phones, is to be dropped down to a micro level. Faster. Smaller. An app that will use the gps on smartphones to find where the user is, then look in its database for other users nearby, display a little menu, and people can instantly meet up with people within some blocks or a mile or whatever they set it to. They can have options for if they're looking for a coffee date or just to chat and kill fifteen minutes while their oil is changed or if they want to make out in the back of a laundromat.

As far as I know this niche market is going totally unserviced (I just looked for probably two minutes, so I might be wrong), and I think it could be absolutely lucrative. Also great. Who doesn't want to have a maybe awkward conversation instead of sitting alone? Who doesn't want to sit next to a friendly stranger in a movie they went to alone?

Bam. Get on it.

Let's start a lifecasting cafe.

Yes, of course there will be webcams around, but it will be more. People will order their drinks from their seats via twitter or facebook, and our baristas will respond in kind when they are prepared. Our coffee machines will tweet, as well. We will have a machine through which we feed all the tender we receive, and it will automatically scan the bills for serial numbers and upload them to where's george. Our background music will be based on the last.fm profiles of the people present at the time, and the art on the walls will be displayed on screens and influenced by their tumblrs and flickrs. There will be one screen up front where a computer will search for and display every mention of our cafe that occurs on the internet in real time.

It is important to me.

Every movie I have watched in the last two weeks has either been a ridiculous slasher or started with a Tom Waits song. What does that mean?

Soup in a bread bowl, sure, okay.

I think it is time for ice cream in a brownie bowl.